Divorced parents - when someone refuses to do his job. Can anyone relate to this?

[Liz]

Ok here I am with a new blog and sadly i wish the occasion was a happier one. Now as a few people know I raise my kids alone since a few yrs now and I wanted to know if anyone can relate to this situation. I am trying like crazy to keep up a good relation between the children and their dad. The problem is not seeing the most important things 8which are the kids of course since its already not easy for them to deal with it) To him its ok to take care of them one time and to be gone for a few months to reappear as if nothing happened, he always says hes busy and has no time (heck dude don't even have a job since we divorced) But to top the whole thing: he sits them in front of the TV and I can see from my view he don't really know what to do with them. He has a new woman and they have a kid together which doesnt make it easier.

I don't know what to do anymore. I see my kids hurting and it hurts me but its like he don't care about it at all and at times I think i should just leave him out. I have been to the official people and they want to see now how we can fix this - after years what can you fix?

I wonder if i am overlooking things or if I am too worried. Yet I am scared that it will leave irrepairable marks to my kids. Thats the last thing I want. So please state your point of view! Thanks a lot

Liz

[Liz]

Hey Johan, I have already taken actions. I had to sit my kids down and tried to explain to them why often promises are not kept, saying dad has to work....and so on. I have help by the social service about it and in that way we need no counceling at all. We have like a mediator who sets up "rules" with us together to make sure this would work and both sides know what their duties are. As well as the dos and donts. For a moment it worked but he fell back in the pattern so I let the kids know that dad will be there when he has time (unless they feel like calling him they are ALWAYS allowed to do that) in that way they can make up their minds themselves. I am still worried though if they will be hurt too much by it. I can only hope for the best and assure them all the time that they can always rely on me. And pity party should be over after over 6 yrs don't you think? I will tell you more about it in mails though.....its not only complicated but also not something I want to discuss into detail in public. After all it wouldnt be fair. So if you have a question feel free to ask me

[Johan Eriksson]

Yeah i hear youre frustration on that one sweetie,sadly its a fact that more men then women,in divorce,just end up leaving thinking they can"patch it up"down the road,partly cause thats how we as men were trained,you know"we do no wrong"so in a divorce the shame sets in and we bail.

I divorced 4 years ago and spent the 1st 2-3 months throwin pity parties,bein totally oblivius to the fact that my kids were hurting also,theres never winners and losers in a divorce and the kids always ends up gettin the worst end of it,they think its their fault,and then if one parent dissapears theyre torn w conflicted emotions towards that parent,to a kid mom and dad are always heroes,even when theyre not,so it gets confussin and difficult for them to merge the 2 pics they have"ok,daddy left,but we love daddy,daddy loves us,but he left"

I ended my pity party after a while though,and sat down my kids,talkin to em bout why it happend.that its not their fault(sumthing u gotta tell em til ure blue in da face,cause theyll still struggle w it)that i loved them,and then we ended up going trough counseling both me and kids seperatly 101 as well as me and their mom.

I dont really know ure situation,but from what ure sayin here it seems like hes still runnin perhaps,i have no idea if u did counseling in divorce or not,but either way,if hes not really"there"for his kids u2 need to talk it out,and if that doesnt work u need to take action as needed